Momento Mori

Second Life Coaching Blog

Personal Development For Men

What Do Men Really Want? Episode 1 - Appreciation

Choose Appreciation Over Sarcasm

A Man Wants To Be Appreciated

Have you ever wonder why your husband or boyfriend tends to act like they've conquered the world whenever they fold the laundry or do the dishes? There’s a very simple reason for that. They're looking for appreciation.

I know the common answer to the question "What do men really want" typically is sex. However, that may be on the list, but it's usually much lower on the list then a lot of people realize. What men really desire are things like respect, appreciation, and admiration.

Those sorts of things can feed into creating the emotional connection that makes the physical connection that much more powerful.

Now I know it's common to look at Facebook and social media. You look at pop culture, TV, and movies and it's really a lot of fun to kind of poke fun at guys who act like they've saved the world whenever they put their dishes in the dishwasher.

That's dangerous.

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That's dangerous to your relationship.

For most guys we've always been the hunter-gatherer, provider archetype. That's what we do. It's in our DNA. It's pounded into us by culture, by society, by our parents and our grandparents…through generations and generations and millennia of human existence.

The man is to be the hunter-gatherer, the provider, of any relationship: the house, the home, the family. One of the ways that most of us men show the people that we care about them, that we love them is through acts of service.

Most of us men are not real good with words, we're not really good with expressing our feelings and our emotions unless there is an intimacy that is deep enough and that is safe enough for us to be vulnerable. So what we tend to do most of the time is to do things around the house, around the yard, what have you.

We do those things that are typically not considered to be, you know, the man's duties. And fair or not that's kind of the way it's looked at. So when we do those things and we come out like we’re celebrating and we tell you that we've done these small things the best way to strengthen your relationship is to say “thank you”. Tell us that you appreciate it instead of the more knee-jerk response of “Well that's great you. Do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on?” Because when a man doesn't feel appreciated for doing those sorts of things you're telling him that him showing you that you cares about you by doing these sorts of things is not welcome. Even more, you’re telling him you’re not thankful for the things that he does.

The male ego is a very fragile thing. Despite popular opinion of men supposedly being the “be strong, rub some dirt on it and get over it” kind of personality, once were in a relationship and we've developed a sense of closeness, of intimacy and vulnerability, we open ourselves… that very, very sensitive segment of ourselves that we don't allow anybody else to really see. By poking fun or making sarcastic responses remarks about us wanting appreciation for the things that we do, even though you think that they're kind of just the stuff you do, you hurt him.

It's damaging to the relationship and it can cause your guy to turtle up, withdraw back in a shell, and eventually, with enough examples, your guy is going to stop doing those little acts of service.

He's going to stop being expressive that way and eventually you're going be left thinking “Well… why doesn't he do those sorts of things? Doesn't he know that I want him to do those things?”

But you have to remember if you poke fun at him or you haven't said you appreciated the times he has done it… that kind of falls on you.

I know it sounds ridiculous. It sounds simplistic. It sounds silly to a point, but it's not.

There’s a real chance to build intimacy and closeness and strengthen your relationship and there's also a chance to damage it beyond repair based on the way you respond to the way your guy does these sorts of things.

So the next time your guy decides to do something that is not within his normal routine his normal list of ‘responsibilities, or if he goes out of his way to bring you a cup of coffee or a cup of tea, say “you know don't worry about it I've got it”, take your dish from the table and put it in the dishwasher, remember that those little tiny acts of service are him showing you that he loves you and he cares about you and he's looking to be appreciated for what he brings to the table.


Christian SalafiaComment
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